I looked up the history of Valentine’s Day and what I found is that one legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine’s actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.
In reality, Valentine’s Day has been invented to sell crappy heart-shaped stuff produced in China and to make singles feel worthless. This is a shout out to single people, what I want to tell you is that you won’t celebrate Valentine’s Day as a happy couple. People who celebrate Valentine’s Day as a huge thing are whether teenagers, newly in love old people or couples that can’t stand each other and need an excuse to have sex once a year. Happy couples don’t make a big deal of V-Day because they show their love in their everyday life.
You know that I love lists and I thought I would sum up the THINGS NOT TO DO ON VALENTINE’S DAY.
- Don’t buy a red roses bouquet at the gas station. That happened to me with my first boyfriend. But wait, that wasn’t the best of it. He shared it with his father and took five roses out of the bouquet for his mother, so that I had only the half of a crappy gift. So thoughtful!
- Don’t use flower petals to decorate your bedroom. I mean every time I see a photo of e room decorated with red roses petals I have too puke a little bit in my mouth. Forget the roses, they are so expensive on V-Day and you don’t want your room to look like a hotel employee decorated it for your engagement with flowers and those swan shape folded towels. Buy tulips instead, they are cheaper than roses in february and not so kitsch.
- If you feel the need to buy a present for your beloved one, please refrain yourself from buying household appliances. I just saw an ad with cheap washing machines for Valentine’s Day. Why? WHY?
- Don’t go to the restaurant. They mostly serve special menus on that day and by special they mean, specially expensive and low quality. By the way you don’t want to look at 15 bored couples who don’t know what to tell each other. Remember, people who dine at the restaurant on V-Day do it because they think it’s special to have a meal outside. They never do it in everyday life. You better cook a nice meal at home and buy a good wine.
- Don’t go to the movies to watch “Fifty Shades Darker”! Just don’t do it! You don’t want to waste time and money on a housewife’s sex fantasy.
- Give chocolates to your partner. It’s the only cliché that makes you fat as well as unimaginative.
- If you’re single, don’t go to a special Valentine’s single party. You will only find douchebags. It’s like going on a blind date, it’s only exciting for two minutes and you’ll end up disgusted and frustrated.
- Don’t watch romantic movies if you’re single. Your expectations on love will be too high. Look at “Pretty Woman” for example, do you know a man in real life that would date a hooker more than for one night? Sorry Julia, you looked hot in your latex over knees and cut out dress, but the girls in Hollerich are slightly different.
- A classic situation is to call your ex because you feel the need not to be alone. Please don’t do it, you will regret it. Even if you’re sitting in your room, looking outside the window and listening to “All By Myself”. Switch for another song, and I don’t mean “Fast Love”. By the way, rest in peace George Michael, I love you and always will.
- And one last thing not to do on Valentine’s Day is to stop believing in true love. See, I can be romantic too if I want. People work hard to get their degree, to get a job, to save money, but they expect to find true love on every date. But the truth is that most of the happy couples didn’t find their partner on the first date. I had to date a lot before I met my husband. I had to find out what I like about a person, what I can’t live with, how to do compromises. A relationship is hard work and people tend to forget it. But don’t lose hope, you just have to be persistent like with everything and the day you’ll meet your better half will come.