Last Thursday I started my 14 days of detox. I wanted to do it because my husband went on a bike tour through Denmark, still weird to call him “my husband” even after two years of marriage, I never really got used to it, and I assumed he would drop some weight. So I wanted to drop weight too and also because my tummy is way too fat and I don’t like it.

The detox basically consists in:

  • no gluten

Bye bye beloved pasta, farewell sandwich! This was hard because I love pasta so much. I could eat pasta every single day. And in fact I do eat a lot of pasta in my everyday life. To quit eating bread is also difficult, in my eating culture there is bread with every meal, from breakfast to dinner. I couldn’t eat my morning sandwich, no finger food, no tortillas.

So I looked up to find a gluten and yeast free bread recipe (because yeast is also forbidden) and I found one on Google. The recipe is perfect when you’re not allowed to eat bread, the bread turned out beautiful and not very tasty. Easy to renounce, problem solved!

  • no dairy products

Ok dairy products are a bit like gluten and the Kardashians, they are everywhere. But there are very good soy alternatives for yogurt and almond milk is actually my favourite milk. Yes I did miss the cheese a little but that wasn’t way ass hard to ditch it as it was for pasta and bread.

  • no eggs

I couldn’t have scrambled eggs for brunch, but seriously I couldn’t have brunch at all, because a brunch without eggs, bread, salmon and a Kippchen (a glass of Crémant) is a lousy brunch!

  • no drinking alcoholic drinks or soft drinks

Normally I have alcohol at least 3 times a week and I say that because if I say 5 times a week I would admit that I have a real problem. I’m from Luxembourg seems to be my perpetual excuse, but it is no real excuse… I really like champagne and I could drink it everyday. You want to make me happy, give me pasta and champagne!

The first step in finding a solution is to face a problem and if you can drink a whole bottle of champagne (during a whole evening, see, I’m looking for excuses again) without being really tipsy you have a problem. So I stopped drinking for 9 days now and I feel good. I thought it would be hard because I see my friends almost every day and we always have drinks together and now I was the only one not drinking. But it was actually easy and I’m so proud of myself.

  • no red meat or fat fish

Not eating red meat for me is the same as not having sex with a girl for gay guy. I don’t miss it and I don’t care! No fat fish means no salmon and I hate that because I would love to have sashimi or salmon filet. But I can eat grilled chicken and steamed sole and that’s really good!

  • no coffee and no cigarettes

I skipped this, because HEY! you can’t take everything away from me. At work I drink three mugs of coffee a day and I can reduce it to two mugs but I can’t simply stop drinking it. I know that the detox process won’t be the same as if I did it the right way but I don’t care. I never put sugar in it and it has no calories, that’s the most important to me.

I missed fat, I missed sugar, I missed fast food so I smoked a lot more that I usually do. Normally I never smoke when I’m alone but now I did. I also smoked more during evenings with friends because fancy lemon water is good but it’s also limited… At least I’m proud that I didn’t start smoking during work hours.

  • walking 30 minutes in the morning

No problem, I’ve got two dogs. Thirty minutes are a very reasonable lapse of time and with the dogs it flies away not as quickly as it flies away when you’re pushing the snooze button on your alarm clock but still very pleasant.

  • eat lots of fruit and vegetables

If all the rest is forbidden you got at least de veggies and the fruit. A friend lend me his juicer and I like to make fresh juices in the morning. it’s a Philips and super easy and quick to clean, you can even put it in the dishwasher. I drink one home-made juice every day and eat a lot of veggies like in salads and soups, steamed and grilled.

I only had a misadventure with a boiled artichoke and a spider. I guess the spider didn’t appreciate that I boiled her house and killed her in hot water. I’m sorry spider, but why did you have to live in my dinner? The spider lost a withe liquid and it was so disgusting that I couldn’t eat it and turned very frustrated.

So how do I feel about this first week of detox? Well, I feel proud of myself, proud that I didn’t cheat. I have to admit that yesterday I cooked for friends to plan our trip to Senegal and Mali and I made chinese noodles with veggies and I ate some gluten… But it’s ok, I didn’t overeat and I have no bad conscience. They were sipping rosé and I was sipping on my fancy water with lemons and apples in it, sphere ice cubes, flamingo decoration and a cute straw. This sounds like a fucked up Mariah Carey backstage area request but I swear it’s the only way I can drink water during a soirée. And this sounds super gay. OH it rhymes! I’m such a poet.